


am i allowed to look at her like that?

by miserere_nobis



Category: Gentleman Jack (TV)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Eventual Smut, F/F, Hate Sex, Heavy Angst, Jealousy, Smut, catherine is in love with anne, catherine rawson obviously falls under everyone, everyone is anne lister, i'm new idk how to tag shit, thanks kay for the tag help, there's smut in chapter two, this is blasphemy i kNOW, yes this title is from a dodie song
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-27 09:49:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20043994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miserere_nobis/pseuds/miserere_nobis
Summary: ‘I’ve heard the worst things said about you Miss Lister... and I want to apologise for ever having listened to them. I’ve never seen such kind, affectionate, selfless display of friendship as I saw last night. And I feel ashamed for ever having doubted you, or thought you had any motive other than goodness.’what if after ann left for scotland, catherine and anne had become more intimate?this is set after the end of episode 6, after catherine apologises to anne. hope you enjoy!!





	am i allowed to look at her like that?

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is my first ever fanfic and i'm aware it's probably very sacreligious esp because it's a cursed pairing lol. for reference, i'm writing this bc i did a poll on twitter (@walkerslister go follow me hehe) of whether my followers would prefer eliza priestley x anne or catherine rawson x anne as a ship and i promised a fanfic to go with it. so, 2347389 years later, here's the fanfiction! hope you enjoy :)

‘I’ve heard the worst things said about you Miss Lister... and I want to apologise for ever having listened to them. I’ve never seen such kind, affectionate, selfless display of friendship as I saw last night. And I feel ashamed for ever having doubted you, or thought you had any motive other than goodness.’

Catherine looked up, teary-eyed, at Anne, and saw her mouth twitch into a watery smile. She returned the smile, and they locked eyes for a moment, which felt like an eternity to Catherine. Well, what would’ve been an eternity too long, if James hadn’t have come into the room to inform the pair that Ann was set to leave. As the two of them walked out solemnly to meet Captain Sutherland and his mother, Catherine couldn’t help notice the way Anne’s shoulders were slightly hunched, compared to her usual perfect posture. She knew its cause was her cousin’s departure, but in that moment, Catherine wanted nothing more than to wrap Anne up in her arms, and kiss her softly, reassuring her that everything would be alright. 

However, she was aware that it wasn’t a possibility, and focused on putting a smile on her face, to give her cousin some relief. Whilst she wanted nothing more than to have Anne, she also wasn’t a monster, and sensed the pain the couple felt. She tried to tell Ann all the enjoyable things she would be able to do once in Scotland, but she knew that her words were going in through one of Ann’s ears and out of the other. However, she maintained her somewhat cheery disposition, and gave Ann a tight farewell hug. She watched her cousin affectionately embrace Anne, and pretended not to feel a pang of jealousy, as they looked into each others’ eyes with pure and utter adoration for each other. What looked like tears of sadness, were indeed tears of jealousy. 

After watching the carriage depart from Lightcliffe, Catherine and Anne retired to the drawing room. Catherine had told James to turn away visitors, and not to disturb the pair of them, before quietly locking the door behind her. She turned around to see Anne sitting on the chaise longe, staring at a spot on the wall, tears silently running down her cheeks. Catherine took a seat next to her, and offered Anne her handkerchief. When Anne didn’t notice it at first, she placed her hand lightly on her firm, toned arm. 

‘Thank you Miss Rawson.’ Anne sniffed, wiping her runny nose. ‘Oh, forgive me, I’ve dirtied your handkerchief.’ She laughed a little, keeping the material. ‘Please, send me your address, I’ll clean and return this tomorrow.’

Catherine felt her heart skip a beat, and she smiled affectionately at Anne. 

‘Please, call me Catherine.’ She tilted her head. ‘And it’s no trouble, handkerchiefs were made to be dirtied.’ She held her hand out. Anne hesitated, but Catherine insisted, and Anne handed over the handkerchief, Catherine placing it on the table her.

‘Miss Walker speaks highly of you, you know?’ Anne started. ‘Did she ever talk to you about her anxieties?’

‘She wouldn’t. I tried to coax it out of her, but she would never tell me.’ Catherine paused, wanting to ask what they were about. This could either go one of two ways, she realised. Either Anne would open up, or she would shut her down. However, Catherine was convinced it was worth the risk. 

‘I assume she told you though? Exactly what they were, I mean?’ Catherine tread around the subject cautiously, careful not to cause offense. Anne nodded slightly. ‘Were they… about you?’

‘Whatever do you mean by that, Catherine?’ Anne’s head instantly snapped up, a defensive look on her face.

At this moment, it crossed Catherine’s mind that perhaps Anne wouldn’t want to talk about it, but nevertheless she persisted. 

‘Were they about your… relationship with Ann?’ Catherine said determinedly. Anne paused. Catherine took this as an opportunity to push further. ‘I do know… about your relationship I mean. And I don’t think it’s unnatural!’ she added quickly.

Catherine looked up to meet Anne’s eyes, her beautiful, chocolate brown eyes, and felt an overwhelming urge to lean in. She resisted it, however, and waited patiently for an answer from Anne. After what felt like an eternity, Anne responded.

‘Whatever do you mean Miss Rawson?’ 

The increase in formality made Catherine’s stomach churn, but she knew, somewhat instinctively, that there was something behind it. 

‘I am aware of the kind of relationship the two of you pursued, Anne.’ Catherine placed her hand on Anne’s chest/shoulder, and leaned in closer. ‘I know the kinds of things the two of you did in her bedroom, when you thought I was asleep.’ Catherine brought her lips up to touch Anne’s.

Just before their lips met, Anne stood up, and pushed Catherine away. She turned to look back at Catherine, both shock and disbelief on her face. 

‘What on Earth are you doing Miss Rawson?!’ the panic was evident in Anne’s voice. 

‘I know that the relationship between yourself and my cousin is, how do I put this politely, rather complicated. And I assume that you must be feeling hurt by all of this. However, I believe that I could help.’

Catherine walked over to Anne, and tried to put her hand up to Anne’s face, although it was slapped away, and Anne turned away from her.

‘It’s wrong. For us to do this. Besides, are you sure this is what you want? Or are you simply trying to climb the social ladder?’ Anne turned around to face Catherine again. ‘If I remember correctly, you were the one who warned Ann away from me!’ Anne began to sound angry. ‘You have no right, absolutely no right, to come in here after the woman I love has left me.'

Catherine took a step back in amazement. ‘You think that’s love?! You think that she, the one, how did you put it, who left you, you still believe she’s in love with you?! Besides, I’m a Rawson, I have no need to climb the social ladder when I sit, perched atop the ladder itself!’’ Catherine paused to recollect her thoughts, and before Anne could jump in, continued. 'She sits there and weeps and weeps and weeps over any small situation. She doesn’t know that I notice it, but I do. She doesn't do anything, anything at all for you but I can change that!'

Anne looked at Catherine, unadulterated rage evident in her eyes. She walked over to Catherine, their faces centimetres from each other. 

‘I’d ask you not to speak of my companion in such a manner Miss Rawson.’ Catherine could hear the anger in every syllable. She could feel Anne’s hot breath on her lips, and it took every last fiber of her being not to close the gap between the two of them. Anne stepped backwards. ‘I could never be with you. Not if I wanted to continue my relationship with Ann, I could never.’

‘You could!’ Catherine pleaded, taking a step towards Anne. ‘You wouldn’t have to tell her anything, it could be our little secret.’

‘I wouldn’t want you anyway.’ Anne turned away from Catherine. ‘It’s not merely simple to forget how you tried to keep her away from me! The things you said to her, about what other people say, to try and drive her away from me!’

‘Don’t you understand why?’ Catherine was getting more heated by the minute. ‘Don’t you understand that the only reason, the sole reason, I tried to was because you are the only one my heart wants?! I know my own heart, and you are what it wants!’ 

Catherine’s eyes fell and she put a hand over her mouth as she took a step back in shock. She hadn’t quite expected her own reaction to be so passionate. Her eyes met Anne’s, who wore an expression of disbelief with a touch of curiosity. Catherine took this opportunity to walk over to Anne. She took her face in one hand and snaked the other around Anne’s waist. She paused to see if Anne would refuse but she didn’t. Catherine took it as an opportunity and brushed her lips softly against Anne’s. At first, Anne didn’t respond, so Catherine broke away to read Anne’s expression. However, before she had the chance to, Anne pulled her close and kissed her back.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! feedback and comments are highly appreciated


End file.
